Rekindle your sexless relationship by using 3 powerful steps
- Julia
- Mar 4, 2021
- 4 min read
Updated: Mar 13, 2021
A persons sex drives goes through cycles throughout their life and prolonged sexless periods are not uncommon for many couples, especially when they are experiencing heightened stress levels.
Hormones orchestrate our sex drive
Stress hormones have been proven to effect testosterone levels. When cortisol levels increase testosterone levels decrease. Chronic stress can also lead to erectile dysfunction or impotence. A women's sex drive also changes depending on where she is in her cycle.
As well as bringing you pleasure, regular orgasms and sexual satisfaction has numerous other health benefits inducing improving your immune system, stronger pelvic floor, reduced risk of prostate cancer and Improved cardiovascular health.
Periods without sex can often leave one or both of the partner’s feeling disconnected. A lack of sex drive often leads to a lack of self confidence and if couple's go a while without sex it can often become hard to start again.
Sex Therapists First Aid Kit Tools To Revive Your Sex Life
Many couples strive to learn new tools and tricks to restart a their sex life. But they rarely realise that their desire didn’t stop, it got blocked by lack of trust. The issue is not in the lack of novelty, but the loss of openness and communication.
1. Sexual communication is the key to get the ball rolling.
Communication is key to having a good sexual relationship with your partner. Communication about disappearing sex life is a first step. Make talking about sex a natural part of your relationship. Start talking before, during and after sex. Vocalise your needs & desires. The more you communicate the better the experience will be for both of you.
Here are some practical methods for how to get started with talking about sex with your partner:
Avoid Blame
Never blame your partner for any failings in your sex life. They will no doubt already feel uneasy if you’re sex life has taken a turn. Adding blame into the mix only creates resentment and may make them avoid the subject altogether. Making yourself approachable is the key.
If you are the one that hasn’t been feeling sexual then make it clear to them that’s it you not them. Reassure them they haven’t done anything wrong.
Identify The Main Issues
What is lacking in your sexual life? How does it make you feel: lovely, unlovable, undesired, bored? What do you think is the main reason that your sex drive has dried up?
By discussing and identifying the key issues you can work on a plan to fix them together. Put some time aside to sit down and both make separate lists. Your reasons could be very different. Then come together to discuss it.
Common reasons include:
Tiredness
Too many responsibilities
Too stressed
Not feeling safe
Concern that your partner won’t accept your desires
Boredom
Loss of trust
Loss of emotional connection
By talking openly about your sex life you can both be clear on each others needs without having to guess. If you’re both willing to meet each other's needs you can then move onto the next step.
2. Invite changes
It’s common for couples to go for prolonged periods without sex. If you currently find yourself in this situation here are 3 practical tools you can implement into your sex life to get back on track:
Leave The Bedroom
Switch it up by having sex in places other than your bed. Start your foreplay earlier in the day and let it slowly build during the course of the day. Flirt with your partner as if they were a stranger. Send saucy text messages with promises of sexual favors later. Build the anticipation until the point of breaking. When you finally come together at the end of the day you'll both be relaxed and ready to experiment.
Change Your Routine
It’s can be easy to slip into a sex routine which has become stuffy and boring. Put some spontaneity back into your regime. If you normally lead events switch it up and let your partner take charge for a change. If they’re the one who normally initiate sex then both agree that you have to do it instead for a while. Change the time, day or positions in which you have sex. If you normally have clothes on, take them all off.
Increase Foreplay
More often than not a sex relationship fails because one of the participants needs more time to feel safe and connected. This is especially important after long periods without sex. You need to allow your bodies to get used to each other again. Take it slow and remember to use your voice if you’re feeling uneasy.
Massage is great for relaxing your body and creating a stress-free environment. Watch sexy movies or porn together whilst touching each other’s bodies. Don’t be afraid of self pleasuring yourself in front of your partner too. No one knows your body better than you do. You may also want to consider sex talk.
3. Reach Out For Help
If you discover that the reason for the lack of sex in your relationship is down to deep rooted psychological problems then getting professional help is your best answer. A couples therapist will be able to help you identify any past traumas and help with clearing any emotional obstacles.
Sometimes a relationship can be very strong but one of the partners has a lack of sexual education or a history of sexual shame. If that is the case that it’s recommend that one of the partners works with a sex therapist to help them identify and release.
Alternatively, a sex therapist can work with both partners to expand both of their sexual horizons.
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