How Your Dream Sex Life Starts with Investing in Intimacy
- Julia
- May 15, 2021
- 5 min read
Sexual intimacy is one of the central elements in a romantic relationship. It helps the couple bond while keeping the desire alive. For both men and women, according to some studies, having a higher level of intimacy tends to be associated with having higher levels of sexual desire. Feeling and expressing intimacy in different stages of a relationship is also affected by biochemical reactions in the brain.
To find out more, please read our previous post: “Hormones behind sexual intimacy and how they foster your sex life?”
Often the loss of intimacy is a direct contributor to absent sex life, and when either one of these elements in a relationship goes missing - it’s important to work on both.
In this article I share what chases away intimacy and sexual desire, how to prevent it from happening and how to rebuild, when it does.
Benefits of Intimacy in Romantic Relationships
Intimacy makes relationships more stable and more likely to last in the long-term.
Intimacy increases sexual desire and can help the couple in having a more fulfilling sexual life.
It also helps them to continuously bond with each other, increasing the oxytocin-based bond, and becoming closer through attachment.
Sexual intimacy can help the couple reinforce their attraction to each other and keep the dopamine and serotonin flowing.
Difference in Intimacy and Desire Among Men and Women
Intimacy contributes to sexual attraction and vice versa in both men and women, though men tend to show a somewhat higher level of sexual desire. In their work, Masters and Johnson (1960) were researching the arousal cycle for men and women and found that due to biological differences in sexes the emotional component is necessary for women to reach an orgasm. According to the study, women are biologically conditioned to fear abandonment, therefore safety and security helps to increase their levels of sexual desire.
Men’s sexual desire, however, has no correlation with feeling of intimacy or safety. Quite the opposite: since men are mostly conditioned to fearing shame and inadequacy, it is their ability to satisfy their partners that feels rewarding and is essential towards creating intimacy and emotional bonds. In other words, men feel more safe and accepted (less ashamed), when they receive sex.
Intimacy Killers
There are many ways to build intimacy. Communication, vulnerability, sharing, common experience, and positive emotions are just a few of these strategies. However, there are also significant barriers to intimacy that can affect the closeness and the sexual life of a couple.
The first set of barriers to intimacy - attitudes which can be adopted within the couple - were described by John Gottman, a renowned researcher in the area, in the form of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Stonewalling - a refusal to engage or respond, where the other partner is left feeling as if they were speaking to a wall.
Criticism – criticizing or finding flaws in the partner’s choices, actions, or character.
Defensiveness - refusing to accept responsibility and instead blaming the partner or a third party for everything that is going wrong.
Contempt - the worst of the four, contempt refers to mocking, belittling, humiliating the partner through one’s attitude, words, or behavior.
These behaviors discourage intimacy, as they make each partner feel attacked, ignored, and dismissed. They prevent the possibility of sharing and vulnerability.
For instance, a big part of building intimacy is disclosing to the partner your own experiences, desires and fantasies. If these are met with criticism, one might not share something so deep again, fearing the same response. It might keep the relationship shallow and reduce sexual attraction. Instead of dopamine and oxytocin, the brain, when faced with these rejections, is more likely to produce cortisol, the stress hormone.
Unrealistic Expectations Kill Intimacy
The ideas which are sometimes built based on some relationship stereotypes are another example of an intimacy killer.
Picture in your mind, the image of a 50’s wife who only takes her hair and makeup down after her husband is asleep, so that he never sees her in disarray. Imagine the male partner who feels intense pressure to perform sexually to prove himself, which inspires anxiety and anger.
Intimacy suffers under any idea of how and how a partner should be, should look or how they should act - whether applied to oneself or the other person. Unrealistic expectations damage intimacy because they prevent the partners from being genuine and having an open mind towards themselves, their partner and the relationship as a whole.
How to build intimacy
Intimacy is one of the central elements of the relationship, and is essential for any long-term commitment. It can develop on both an emotional and a physical level, depending on attachment, passion, and closeness.
Here are some tools which can be used towards building or repairing intimacy:
Recognize and name the problem. Oftentimes issues are covered or by-passed through excuses around more important priorities in life, such as children.
Understand and accept the importance and benefits of sexual intimacy and sex in a couple’s life.
Set positive goals and dreams. A positive target shared by both partners can inspire more than the focus on an obstacle, however both need to be named and pinpointed.
Learn to communicate without hurting each other. Wrong verbal expression can deepen the wound instead of healing it. Simple techniques can help towards more effective communication and bring you closer to your goals.
Learn about your own Needs, Desires, Boundaries to be able to ask for what you need.
Learn about your pleasure to guide your partner.
From this stage other things become much easier, such as learning new activities that you can do in bed to spice up your life and bring the hormonal rush. Sensual massage, dynamic play, full body orgasm are just a few to choose from.
Continuously deepen your pleasure and connection by engaging in intimacy together, sharing sexual pleasure and not only shopping and household duties.
An experience of continuous sexual attraction and intimacy only becomes available after establishing a deep bond, safety, satisfaction and vulnerability is present in the couple’s life.
REFERENCES
Aykutoğlu, B., & Uysal, A. (2017). The Relationship between Intimacy Change and Passion: A Dyadic Diary Study. Frontiers in psychology, 8, 2257. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.02257
Hooper, A., Spann, C., McCray, T., & Kimberly, C. (2017). Revisiting the Basics: Understanding Potential Demographic Differences With John Gottman’s Four Horsemen and Emotional Flooding. The Family Journal, 25(3), 224–229. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480717710650
Impett, Emily & Strachman, Amy & Finkel, Eli & Gable, Shelly. (2008). Maintaining Sexual Desire in Intimate Relationships: The Importance of Approach Goals. Journal of personality and social psychology. 94. 808-23. 10.1037/0022-3514.94.5.808.
Jaques van Lankveld, J., Jacobs, N., Thewissen, V., Dewitte, M., & Verboon, P. (2018). The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships. Journal of social and personal relationships, 35(4), 557–576. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517743076
Wu, K. (2017).Love, Actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship. Retrieved from
William H. Masters, Virginia E. Johnson (1966). Human Sexual Response. Reproductive biology research Foundation. Ishi Press, Boston, US.
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